later I knew there were bus tags

I feel hurt.

Don't worry, this isn't another emo post! It's about my thumb. The wound reopen this afternoon in the car again and it started bleeding real badly. Like all the blood flowing, not oozing. Nearly kenah from my mum because if any blood fell onto the seat she did kill me.

Oh wait, did I mention that everytime I get an injury she will start whacking me? Lol actually I just realised that's the reason why I don't like getting injured, because since Primary 1 I had this mentality that getting injured wasn't the problem, getting scolded was the problem.

So any injuries suffered, keep your mouth shut and don't tell the mother.

Wrapped a plaster around it, filled a pail with hot water and stuff my thumb into it. I felt it throbbing...what a wonderful sensation of pain. And it did work - I did what Clement always had done. When experiencing pain, keep repeating to yourself...

"Pain is pleasure." And you really feel that it's pleasure. Of course, I know what are the limits of the human body, and taking the fact that I'm a piano player I shouldn't start hurting my fingers.

The idea of 2 concerts in 3 days is very appealing to me. I wonder what it is like to be preparing for concerts all days of your life, and not needing to worry about how you are going to prepare for your Maths.


I realised I'm very dependant on my parents. It's easy.

Let me elaborate:

This incident took place in Primary 1, the first day of primary school for me. And so we were all dismissed, and the discipline mistress announced all those who took bus stand on this half of the hall, and those who didn't stand on this half.

For goodness sake, how was I suppose to know what bus they were talking about? I didn't know they were talking about the school buses, and I still remember the first time I panicked and got very very afraid. So I thought...I did take a bus I remembered. But it was a public bus. And those other kids...all had tags on them saying A1, B2, C5.

(Later I knew those were bus tags)

So I went to the 'bus' side of the hall. After that several bus aunties approached me and asked me where I was supposed to go. I said I didn't know...I just knew it was bus 187.

They had this 'wth' look on their faces, and my mum got so panicky not finding me she went on stage and asked the discipline mistress to call out my name. And I was finally found and given a huge scolding.

You get a scolding for everything wrong I guess.

So yep, that shows how dependant I was.



From Primary 1 until Primary 5, I never told a single lie, I swear to everything on this Earth I never told a single lie for those 5 years. Guess it was because I went to Church and I was a holy boy, for I prayed everyday with my Dad, and went to church every week and classes.

And then I realised that when you didn't lie you get beaten up for everything. When you said you had 5/10 you get beaten up...and when other people had 3/10 but they lied and said they had full marks, they didn't get touched. Even then, even if they scored 5/10 their parents which just say it's ok, try harder.

I thought I was in the wrong family seriously. Don't know what's the problem with my mum and why she is like that. For goodness, when people get shit marks and they lie they don't get scolded. When they spill milk on the floor, their parents just say 'careful next time don't spill' but I'm always the one who gets screwed.

Hai...

Then start lying also still get beaten up in the end. Tell the truth also get beaten up. So how to live life? What if you naturally cannot do well in your studies? What happen if you're not as clever as people like B. Yap and Andrew? (Ok nothing against you'll just using as example :)

Back to the point, I'm still dead in the sense anything that I do results in me getting beaten up...And then I remembered those days doing Maths.

I don't know why my experience is so different from others. Why doing Maths was so tormenting for me. When I was in Primary 1, I scored full marks from my first math test. Subsequently, out of the whole year, I scored 399/400. I mean for all the subject tests. The four subjects, English, Math, Chinese, Science.

Then after that my mum had to push me so hard that I completely self-destruct. Learning Math was supposed to be fun, enjoyable. But I was forced to do literally 20 to 30 worksheets, with her sitting opposite me with a cane.

And everytime I finished a paper, I passed it to her, and for every question I got wrong she would cane me. Why...I mean must be so tormenting meh. Why other friends of mine don't get scolded even though they do badly. Honestly felt like crying when I asked someone what his mum said when he failed. He told me, "She just said 'Work harder lorh' "

And then the next time he did really well, and duh his parents were happy.

But from the tone of my voice I guess you all know that I have admitted defeat and I shall not fight anymore. Still have to continue to get scolded for things you don't know, and for things you know you don't get scolded.

I'm ok now with not being praised, for I've learnt that there's no way I'm going to get praised seriously. It's just good, ok no scolding. If bad, screw you. So seriously, what's the point?


Remembered last year when I forgot there was school on a Monday and I didn't come. And that day was a test paper returned back. And then my mum had to rub on my mistake and said that I lied about forgetting because I didn't want my paper back.

What the fck?

K cool. Sometimes in life there are ups and downs. And I figured that whatever you do, there will always be an up. Somewhere. The only thing that matters is whether you end your life on an up or a down.

I just thought of this: In order to do something well, you must know that it's the best thing you're doing in your life.

Eg. If you want to fold laundry well, you must treat it like the best thing that's currently going in your life, and you fold your laundry with all the dedication needed to do the best thing in life.

Complicated?